“Please, stop”

This happened last weekend and I hadn’t really thought about it until tonight. I don’t know how my thoughts led me there, but I started thinking about swimming in Ryan’s pool last weekend. I was thinking of reasons to use to explain to him why I was cautious about swimming in a pool. My excuse at the time was because I had almost drowned as a child because I was so short and small at the time that when I stood on the edge between the shallow end and where it starts to slope to the deep end, I started slipping and going under water, not able to get myself firmly back into the shallow end. I think I eventually did and the adults never noticed my struggle. I told Ryan about this. But tonight I was trying to rationalize arguments to him, thinking about telling him that I’ve almost drowned multiple times. Which is true, but I think only one other time besides that time as a kid. The second time was during high school. Alivia had invited us all out to her family’s boat for her birthday. At one point we stopped so we could swim to shore. I had come immediately from work to her birthday party so I was physically tired from work. I nearly drowned swimming because I was too tired to swim by myself. One of my friends eventually towed me to shore and then back to the boat when we were ready.

But I was thinking, before that event, I loved to swim. Then, I still love to swim. I love doing flips, just floating in the water, and just swimming until I’m tired. Why didn’t I want to swim at Ryan’s then? Then I realized. I wanted to get into the water at my own pace, wading in, getting used to the water, and then swim using a stroke to re familiarize myself with formal swimming and test my muscle strength. Ryan wanted to jump in. He was verbally pushing me to jump in. Not in a mean or malicious way, just didn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to. But he picked me up and wouldn’t put me down. He was going to jump in with me in his arms. I begged him to put me down. Repeatedly. I din’t realize until now that I was terrified at the time. Absolutely fucking terrified. To the point that I couldn’t physically fight my way out of his arms like I normally would if we were play wrestling (and I fight dirty, I am physically able to fight my way out of his hold. But in this instance I was too scared to even think of it). When we resurfaced I had a bloody nose. The bloody nose was actually from the remnants  of a cold causing me to blow my nose so much that the inside of my nose was delicate and the force of the water was enough to give me a nose bleed. I think the nose bleed shocked and surprised me enough that I didn’t think about how wrong it was that he jumped in even though I begged him to let me go before he did and from how scared I was.

Now that I’m thinking about it…. How the fuck could he do that to me??? We do some light BDSM in bed. Mistress/Lover kind of stuff, enough that we use a safe word. He knows how fucking important “no” and “stop” are. Why didn’t he listen to me? I thought I could trust him. I need to explain this to him. I do know him well enough and do trust him enough that if I enlighten him to this, he won’t do it again.

I was also thinking about how when I tickle him, I stop immediately if he says “Please, stop,” though if it is just “stop” I won’t stop tickling. Which is wrong, I should stop immediately when he says to. But the “please, stop” made me think of implementing a rule in our relationship that if one person says “Please, stop” to anything, the other person should stop immediately, no matter what it is, even if they don’t think they are doing anything wrong. If it can be followed immediately with an explanation, it should be, but if the explanation can’t be done immediately, then at least indicate that it will be explained later. I use explanation as more like “enlightenment.” Like, in the case where he or I is doing something that is making the other person uncomfortable but we don’t realize it, then explaining is like enlightening. I guess “explaining” feels a lot like “mansplaining” lately in my gut. I’ll have to make a separate post about that sometime. “Enlightening” just feels like the better word choice in this case. Anyway, thinking about adding “Please, stop” for anything reminded me of the times, like tickling (mostly tickling and never in bed. If he says stop in bed, I immediately stop. Vice versa for him too), when I haven’t stopped. Which made me feel guilty. Also scared though, because I’m scared that I’ve hurt or scared him like he did me. So this conversation needs to happen tomorrow as soon as possible. I want it done so it’s not plaguing me and it needs to happen before his pool party next weekend.


Ask, don’t tell

This is why I shouldn’t sit so long on the toilet scrolling through Facebook.

As I was scrolling I saw a headline about the U.S. sending soldiers to Iraq fight ISIS. I’m just like, come on. We just bombed civilians. The people we want to help are not going to want our “help.”

So I thought, how could we actually help? The U.S.’s immediate actions are usually sending people and supplies over to affected areas. Which is helpful, but is the manner in which it is done truly helpful and effective? Could we instead utilize resources that are already on the ground and supplement them?

Like, Humans of New York and Al Jazeera probably know of organizations, businesses, or even just organized groups of civilians who are trying to answer the gaps and chaos caused by the fighting of different groups. My thoughts are to contact these organizations, businesses, and groups and ask “What do you need?” They need the war, terror, death, and random violence to stop of course. The immediate needs are survival needs: food, water, shelter, medical treatment. Is it possible to contact multiple food suppliers/growers in the regions and buy food for those affected by the violence and chaos? This boosts the local economies but also doesn’t deplete the amount of food available to other customers of the food suppliers/growers if the food is bought in small quantities from many businesses. That’s the only idea that might actually work without knowing more about the on-the-ground situation. I am sitting in my comfy bed with a permanent roof over my head. I do not know anything about what the refugees are experiencing. All I can think of is my training with Anthropology is that while we think we know what is best for the people we want to help, ultimately, they are the ones who know their needs and wants. We cannot assume and make decisions for them. The people who are living through the attacks, it doesn’t matter who from (well, it does, but no matter who is attacking civilians, they are still suffering and in need of aid), are the ones who know who to trust or not to trust, whose businesses are still open, which sources of water are unpolluted, etc. We have to trust their knowledge and their leadership. Yeah we can and should supply labor and goods, but before adding what we think they need, we should address what they decide they need and want.

P.S. Tags are stupid. Trying to think of relevant tags that won’t bring fire from Big Brother

Manga over Movie (this time)

I’m usually one of those people who prefers the book over the movie. There are a few exceptions. Blood and Chocolate by Annette Curtis Klause is both a fantastic book and movie. While the movie is very different from the book, it is fantastic in its own right. Another exception are the Miyazaki movies based on books, such as Howl’s Moving Castle. I have not read Tales From Earthsea (though this series is on my to-read list) or the books that Kiki’s Delivery Service, Arietty, Grave of the Fireflies, and When Marnie Was There were based off of. So I cannot speak for them. But I really do love Miyazaki’s Howl’s Moving Castle better than the book by Diana Wynne Jones.

A recent exception that I discovered is Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind. I only recently discovered that Miyazaki wrote and illustrated a seven volume manga of the series many years before the movie was produced. Obviously the movie had to be condensed and a few things changed for the continuity of the condensed version, but the movie still holds true to the main ideas of the manga. However, the manga is so much better. There are characters, events, and subplots that just create a masterpiece greater than the movie is considered.

I probably shouldn’t have read all seven volumes in a row rather than do my homework xD

P.S. Totally can’t remember if I posted about this before or not, but my friend Sarah and I are doing our honor’s senior project on Miyazaki’s movies 😀


Nearly Drowning

So I just texted Alivia “So honestly I’m stressed the fuck out.” 

I haven’t reached out at this point in my stress levels in I don’t know how long. Probably not since I was dating Kraig. Ryan has no idea what is going on in my life right now. Alivia has no idea. I’m about to cry in relief that I finally/actually reached out. 

My grandparents aren’t doing well, my grandpa is actually in the hospital atm. My great-aunt and her husband are both in the hospital. My great-uncle and my grandma both were in the hospital briefly this week. My mom wants my brother and I to go see my grandparents during our Spring Breaks (thankfully they’re the same this year). She’s with them in another state right now so it’s just me, my step-dad  Stew and my step-grandma at home right now. Stew is traveling for work for a week leaving tomorrow so I get to take care of Gma. I need to ask him about her pills before he leaves. I’m paying my own tuition and it’s way more than it was last semester. I need to file for deferment for paying back my student loans and can’t find one fucking minute to do that. I had to actually ask my dad to send me gas money because I can’t even afford to buy an iced coffee from Biggby right now. I’m working two jobs, doing an internship, doing classroom observation hours at the butt crack of the morning, taking a 6-9pm class, and doing an honors senior project. I still need to update my Peace Corps application. My internship offered me some working hours I would get paid for but that money will probably go to Stew to pay for those new wheels and realigned axels on my car. I’m still not getting to the gym often and I’m still procrastinating on hw and on outside office work for my internship. I’m not getting enough sleep. 

I’m getting to the point I was at when Kraig and I broke up. 

I can’t break now. I’m almost done. I just need to get through the end April. 

Fuck. This. 

Random Book Recall

So my freshman year of undergrad, I did this week long thing with the honors college the week before move in week. Those of us who went through it refer to it as Hell Week or other less-than-polite terms. It was supposed to be an introduction of the worst of college so that our first year and the rest of our time there would seem easy in comparison. Well, our year was the last year that they did it. But I digress.

Anyway, one of our assignments was to read this book. It’s called The Element: How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything by Ken Robinson. It’s actually a good book. But for the most part wasn’t relevant to me or most of my classmates involved in Hell Week. The book was about how students, kids, who didn’t fit the System overcame their challenges (clashes with the system) by figuring out what their passions were and turning those into a career. Welp, for myself and my classmates at the time, we all fit into the system. The System worked for us. We were good at test-taking, paying attention in class, etc. We didn’t think we were the intended audience.

Now though… I’m struggling in school. Not as bad as I was last year or the year before. I never knew exactly what I wanted to do as career, but now that graduation is looming in a couple months and I still don’t have a definite plan…. I wonder if I should re-read this book. It won’t hurt at least.

I mean, I have a tentative plan. I know I want to work in the non-profit field and do something with literacy. But that’s about it. My application to Teach For America got turned away, but I’m being considered for a position in the Peace Corps. Which I’m really excited about 🙂 I think I’m going to learn a lot during my internship too. My boss has already said multiple times that I have a job with them after my internship ends if I don’t get accepted into the Peace Corps. Which is great! I never really thought I’d have a job offer before I graduated. I’d rather travel the world than be stuck in my hometown though.

Whenever people ask me where I would like to live/where my dream job will be/do I think I’ll move after graduation, I always answer that I’ll go where the money is. A lot of the people that ask are in the generation or two generations above me. They always seem uncomfortable with this answer. I wonder if it’s because they have these assumptions about millennials and when they’re faced with the truth, that we have absolutely no money and are resigned to the fact that at least for the first part of our careers we will be mercenary, they feel like “Oh, maybe I should have payed more attention,” or “Oh, why did I think [assumption] before?” I think part of it is the resignation in my tone, the defeat, the world is bearing down on my shoulders feel that I give off. There are perks to being a millennial, but it’s also like being on an extreme roller coaster. When you go high you go really high, but when you go low, you go really low. A lot of the time I feel like I’m at that tip of the roller coaster where you are juuuussttt feeling the pull of gravity start on you as you go down. But. You are stuck at that place, never moving. The feeling of omgi’mabouttogodown is eternal. It’s almost a relief to finally move and hit rock bottom because you’re not moving or stuck with the feeling of your stomach in your throat.

Birthday tradition love

My birthday is on Sunday. I will be turning 23. But my family celebrated today because I’m basically going to be gone all weekend to see Ryan and Franny.

My mom apologized for not making a big deal about my birthday and for not giving me very many presents. The thing is though. I don’t care. If that sounds unappreciative, that’s not what I mean. What I mean is that what matters to me is that she took the time to get the ingredients for my favorite food (which I usually only have one my birthday) and my favorite desert (which I make often bc it’s so damn good), and we made both together. What also means a lot to me is that the few gifts she and Stew got for me, had clearly been well thought out. It’s those small traditions that I value more than a big hullabaloo.

Btw, recipe for Death by Chocolate Cake

  • 4 eggs
  • 1 cup sour cream
  • 1/2 cup water
  • 1/2 cup oil
  • Mix eggs, sour cream, water, and oil together well in a bowl (don’t use a whisk)
  • Add to this mixture
  • 1 package of chocolate cake mix
  • 1 package of INSTANT chocolate pudding
  • 12 Oz bag of chocolate chips
  • Stir together then put in greased and floured bundt pan
  • Bake at 350° for 50 min

Dating Dates

So today would be Kraig and I’s 4 year anniversary if we had stayed together. Ryan and I are going on our date tomorrow night. I REALLY don’t want to have the making things official conversation tomorrow because I don’t want to have an anniversary date so close to the old one. It just kinda makes me go into OMG PANIC MODE. I didn’t even realize that the dates were so close until I checked my Facebook’s On This Day on August 31 and it showed me and Kraig going on a date for our 1 year anniversary (We had our date that day because of how the days lined up with the dates that Labor Day Weekend). When Ryan and I set up our date for this Labor Day Weekend, I was just thinking about how it was a long weekend and I could spend more time with him. I totally wasn’t thinking about how Kraig and I had done the same thing the weekend we officially got together. Sooo, yeah.

I don’t know how to bring this up with Ryan. I don’t really want to bring it up tomorrow at all. I think I’ll let him broach the topic of being official, I won’t bring it up. I’m hoping he doesn’t do it tomorrow. If he does, I will explain, but I’m hoping that I’ll get some distance from September 2 before we have the official conversation and me explaining.