Life as I know it

I’m twenty-one, but I feel like a little girl at the moment. I read for the last hour and a half to try to forget my troubles and make me tired enough to fall asleep. It didn’t work. I found myself curled up under my covers, clutching my stuffed panda, Grumpy, to my chest and my blanket pulled up under my chin. I can’t close my eyes because every time I do I imagine something is going to pop up and kill me. I also can’t stop thinking about how shitty my life has been for the past three months.

I cheated on my boyfriend. That is what started the downward spiral into this dark hole where I can see the light at the top and the steps to get out, but I’m too scared to take the path. It’s too difficult. And I’m afraid of what I might have to face when I get out of the hole. I don’t know what I’ll face. That’s what scares me.

I cheated on my boyfriend while I was on a trip out of state with friends to see another friend of ours at her college. She doesn’t come home much anymore because she enjoys the freedom away from her family and it’s difficult to find a ride to Michigan and then back to her college. I also cheated on my boyfriend with this friend.

It was three of my high school friends, me, and the out of state friend from high school. We got drunk one night and began playing Truth or Truth, which turned into Truth or Dare, which made the out-of-state friend and I both say we didn’t care what the dares were, we would do anything. Now I had been horny the whole time we were down there. I’m not totally sure why. We were all talking about sex and we had also been to a sex shop to see what was there. The night before while we were sober we started showing each other how to send sexy snap chats. Really turned me on. I had never seen any of them completely nude before. We’d gone skinny dipping before, but the water was dark enough to hide everything. Honestly I was surprised that we hadn’t seen each other nude before since we’d been friends for so long and done so many sleep overs. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. But I guess it was. It turned me on. I kinda panicked because I didn’t want to feel horny, but I also didn’t want to get rid of the feeling by sneaking off to masturbate and have them all know that is what I was doing. I should have just done it.

Anyway, I was horny, we were all drunk. The out-of-state-friend seemed like she was up for it. She even got permission to do whatever from her boyfriend as long as no guys were involved. I knew I should have asked my boyfriend, but I knew he would talk me out of it. I knowingly cheated. I’m not blaming the alcohol because I was aware and still in charge of my decisions the whole time. I even kinda sobered up a little when I realized the out-of-state-friend was serious. I drank more of my drink each time this happened. I didn’t want to back out. So we made out, touch each other, 69’d. I had lesbian sex and cheated on my boyfriend of almost three years.

The only reason he forgave me is because I truly regret what I did. There have been many conversations, arguments, discussions, etc. since the trip happened. Neither of us is ever going to forget what I did, but we’re trying to work past it.

Now what did the other girls do while we had lesbian sex? They left the room. They didn’t even try to stop us. On the way home I told them I didn’t blame them, that it was all my decision. And it was. But I feel betrayed, like they didn’t and don’t care about me because they didn’t even try to stop me when they have known me long enough to know damn well how I feel about cheating and that I would have wanted them to at least TRY to stop me! More of this outrage is from my boyfriend than me. I am angry and hurt because of this, but I was willing to get forgive and forget. He’s the one who convinced me they had done wrong in this. I kinda understand my mom’s point that it was a confusing situation since the person I was cheating with was also one of their friends.

What really has me feeling hurt and betrayed is the fact that one of them, the one that was supposed to be my best friend, told our whole group of friends about what I had done.

In middle school, high school, and up until this moment we told each other everything. If you told one girl, you told the whole group. But this time, I thought for sure that I didn’t have to ask my best friend to keep her mouth shut. I thought that she would understand that this is the type of situation where you let the person who was part of it decide when to tell. And I would have told them. I even began to tell one only to find out my “best friend” had already told her. That’s how I found out she had told the whole group. Even the guys.

I can’t forgive her for that. And she doesn’t even understand that she hurt me by doing that.

I tried talking to her about it at one point but I think I used the wrong tone, wrong words, etc. Hell, I know I did. I locked all my emotions away and told her. I talked at her. Which doesn’t really get the point across well. She felt like I was choosing my boyfriend over my friends and her. Because my boyfriend had unfriended all of them on Facebook, even the people that weren’t there. He doesn’t like them anymore because he feels like they all betrayed his friendship with them since they didn’t care about him or me enough to stop me from cheating. He told me this after I told him about the conversation though. I didn’t know he had this point of view until later. What I told her in the car was that he didn’t care about their feelings because he doesn’t like letting anyone get too close to him in case they get the opportunity to hurt him. So I fucked some things up here.

She and I didn’t really get to finish this conversation because we were picking my younger brother up from a soccer tournament that he was reffing at. We didn’t talk about it on the way home. We just chose safe topics. I don’t even remember what we talked about now because it was so stupid and superficial.

Since then, every time we hang out there is tension between us.

Then there was the get together at one of our guy friend’s grandparents’ lake cottage. I wasn’t going to go up because my boyfriend was upset that I was still trying to be friends with the people who had hurt both of us. I let his opinion influence me when I just wanted a normal wknd and to pretend that things were okay, just for a wknd. Then Saturday morning I get a text telling me that two of our friends had just gotten engaged at the cottage. I was so fucking mad and frustrated that I had missed out on this. I was so upset that I was crying. I told my mom what had happened and she insisted that I go up to the cottage right away. I’m really glad she made me. When I made the decision not to go I started feeling numb. When I started getting ready to go I felt more alive and feeling.

I was only at the cottage for less than 24 hours, but for those 24 hours I did my best to pretend that everything was normal. I barely even talked to my boyfriend because I didn’t want him to bring me down, accidentally or not.

When I arrived I hugged my “best friend” and apologized for the drama I had caused. I shouldn’t have done that because now she feels absolved and like she was justified in that I was the one causing all the drama and she hadn’t done a thing. I was and have been causing all the drama. But that’s because I feel hurt and I feel like no one understands that they hurt me.

I think we’ve hung out once since then and it was awkward as hell. It felt like she didn’t care.

Since then I guess we’ve grown further apart. Also, somehow I’m not receiving her texts, so that could be a part of it. She could have invited me to things and I simply didn’t know because I wasn’t receiving her texts.

But I saw her today. Today I feel like everything is worse than ever. I moved more of my stuff into my apartment today. Only one of my three other roommates is officially living there atm, the others will move in officially for the year later this week. She wasn’t home when I got there, but a little later, my roommate, my “best friend,” and my “best friend’s” roommate arrived. They had been to a restaurant. They didn’t greet me, I had to greet them. They didn’t welcome me or tease me about getting there so late; nothing was normal about the way they treated me. It was like, “Oh hey, it’s Kat.” Rather than “Gurl! What took you so long?! I’m glad you’re finally here!” I just felt not welcomed rather than welcomed. I felt like my best friend had truly become my “best friend.” She was someone else’s friend and not mine now. I didn’t really expect my roommate to welcome me warmly or to offer to help me with my stuff, that’s just not how she is. I did expect her sharp banter and to trade insults like we usually do. But nothing.

I felt like I didn’t belong anymore. Like she doesn’t care at all anymore.

So I’m up at almost 2 in the morning typing this because I really just had to finally get it out. I am not looking forward to my senior year of undergraduate college anymore. I think I’m going to be miserable.