This Dark Hole I’m In

I’m having trouble with this. The whole point of breaking up with him was to find myself, to push myself, achieve my dreams, to not feel like I was being held back. All I’ve found though is a dark hole that I feel like I can’t get out of. I can see the light, but it’s more like a teasing light. I have hope, but no way achieve it. I feel like I can get my head and shoulders above the rim of the whole, but I’m still stuck from the waist down. No pushing or pulling myself out works.

I thought my emo phase during middle school was bad. Fuck, it was bad. Moving schools, starting over with new people… no wonder I started cutting back then. I haven’t fucking cut myself in 5 years! And then I cut myself a month ago. I haven’t cut again, but I’ve used my own nails to harm myself plenty of times. I remember in sixth grade I kept a rubber band around one wrist to punish myself with. I stopped doing that when I noticed how bad my wrist was getting.

What I am doing with my life? I don’t have a close confident. I don’t want to tell my supposedly best friend what’s going through my head because every time I try bringing it up to her, she dismisses it. Like I got through it, you can too. I felt more connection with Nat because I may not have exactly the same problems and situation as her, but at least she doesn’t dismiss me. We promised we’d work through it together.

I just feel like I’m going to explode. I was screaming in my head all through work today. I thought about going into one of the walk-in coolers and actually screaming, but that just sounded embarrassing. That’s why I don’t do all those exercises in which they tell you to hit a pillow or scream out loud. It just seems like there’s no point, and it’s embarrassing. Why scream if no one can hear you? The point of screaming is to call for help. Why punch something other than who or what you actually want to punch? Where’s the satisfaction? The lack of satisfaction makes it worse.

I just want to feel like someone cares, even if it’s just temporarily. I want to have sex with G or R because at least they are both my friends and they’ve already shown they care about me, that having sex with them can be fun, satisfying, and keep away the loneliness. I just need to be cared for.

My boss is worried about me tonight. And he’s trying to make me laugh and smile. It feels like relief that someone is trying, that someone notices.

I don’t want to go home yet. I know my roommates are probably home but I’m afraid of what thoughts will go through my head on the way home. It’s a decent walk. I don’t want to deal with El, or Ana, or Lea. Sometimes they’re good with my boundaries, sometimes they’re not.

Why do I want to hide things from them? I don’t really get it. I’ve lived with Ana and Lea for a year and half now, El for two and a half. It’s not even that I’m testing them to see if they notice if I’m okay or not, like I do with some people. I don’t want them to know. It almost hurts to get hugs from El sometimes. I guess it’s almost like I feel as if I’ll contaminate her if she touches me. The other two not so much, but sometimes.

I just want to get out of this hold. I want to stand on my own two feet, my spine straight and strong. I want to feel pride in myself again. Because I don’t feel anything but contempt and terror right now.

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