Lil better, lil worse

I finally opened up a bit to Alivia tonight. I’ve been holding things back because I wasn’t sure she cared and I didn’t want to open myself more to protect myself. Well, I opened up and she does care. I only told her a little bit, but enough that I feel like I can begin to share more. I don’t want to give her everything yet just in case, but I can do it little by little.

I’ve been texting Kraig. Just stuff like “Happy Thanksgiving,” “Merry Christmas,” and “Happy New Year.” But he texted me more today, asking why I’ve been texting him. I wish he’d just said that, not also wondering if something was wrong. I want to be truthful to him, so I told him things had gone to shut since I broke up with him and that I was texting him bc I was being selfish and feeling lonely. And honestly, I thought not talking to him altogether would hurt him more than at least texting him on the holidays. Then he said that he wasn’t sure if it was possible for him to hurt any more. Then he offered to help me. Said that I knew he would always help me. I told him I did know that but that’s why I didn’t. I kinda evaded it, implying that I didn’t bc I thought asking for help and talking to him while he gave me help would hurt him. He offered again, that he wants to help. I asked if I could talk to him tomorrow, that I was confused now.

I really do want his help. He’s good at solving problems. I miss his ability to help me think things through and brain storm, plan. I really want him to fix my problems for me. That’s what I want, for my depression, my loneliness, my school, family, friend problems to be solved.

He can’t solve them for me though. That’s something I have to do for myself.

So I’m trying to think this through. I thought writing out this post would help organize my thoughts, but it hasn’t really. I’m still confused.

I desperately want to have Kraig as my friend. But as long as he still loves me I’m not sure it’s possible without one or both of us getting hurt again. So I should decline his help. But I want it if only as an excuse to talk to him and maybe become his friend. That’s not fair to him. I’m so selfish.

I should be selfish while I’m trying to become healthy. But I can’t really bear the thought that I might hurt him again. It might make moving on harder for me as well. I just tried imagining asking if I could please be selfish and meet with him. I saw myself sitting in front of him, our foreheads pressed together, me wanting so much to make things work, almost enough to shove my logic out the window. Right now things will not work out. I feel like a former smoker who stopped cold turkey.

It’s not smart at all but I want to see him. It will just set me back on my road to recovery. But I want to see him. I’m starting to cry right now, the screen is kind of blurry.

I’m just…. I don’t know. I’m going to sleep. I know I’m putting off thinking about this, but I just want the oblivion of sleep right now.

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