He once asked me if we had a song. Now at this point I thought we already had one and I was kind of surprised he asked me. I thought it was obvious. In my mind it was “Something” the Beatles song but the cover by Jim Sturgess from the movie Across the Universe (2007). I asked him to sing it to me all the time. I made up a bullshit answer using Taylor Swift’s “Our Song.” Well, not entirely bullshit. I didn’t really feel like we needed one, but if we had one, “Something” was it. Like not “Our Song” as our song but the message in it. For us it would have been the sound when I get him to giggle, his squee when he’s excited, when he could get me to belly laugh without restraint, our comfortable silences, singing over the phone or in person, the opening credits of a movie, the pad of his feet across the floor, the squeak of his computer chair, the jangle of his keys, the groaning of my ancient bed, tripping over something randomly strewn across the floor of my room. I liked the looks we exchanged as well as the sounds that identified us to each other. We used to be able to read each other’s expressions, but somewhere along the way we lost that.
I don’t even know where all this is coming from. All I know is that I have been missing him more and more these past few weeks. At Easter I realized he should have been with my family at church and at Easter lunch and that sent a lurch through my stomach. I keep having moments where I think “Kraig should be here.” And he isn’t here.
Today. Today I should have been graduating from undergrad. But I still have one more semester thanks to my procrastinating and other screw ups. I should have been graduating and he should have been there with me, helping me get ready, watching in the audience. Hugging me tightly, with such a proud and ecstatic smile on his face. But I wasn’t among the students in their caps and gowns, and he wasn’t here.
What the hell am I doing?
We had so many problems. Yet, all I can remember is the good times. I want to move on. Or don’t I? I don’t want to start anything with someone new. I don’t want to let someone else in. Have them get through all my walls. But, I don’t want to try to work things out with him either. I think about it and I just want to run away. It will be hard work. There will be crying, and yelling, and misunderstandings as we both try to understand, to explain. He’s willing to compromise I think. I don’t want to. That means changing. And changing is scary and difficult for me because it means working at something as a long term goal rather than a short term goal. I’m a fucking coward and a sloth. I don’t mind doing things that challenge me physically and somewhat mentally. I like showing off my intelligence. But it’s another thing to improve morally, personality… to become a better person. I avoid it because it’s hard and it’s so much easier to just brush people off rather than to try and then disappoint them when I give up because things get hard.
I have bouts when I’m dead set on doing better, on taking steps to improve myself. And then I let something step in the way. First obstacle and I’m like, I’ve got an excuse to stop! Fuck it all. Fuck me. Fuck.
I talked to him the other day. A week ago Friday. I was picking my brother up from his university so we could switch out vehicles and he would have a car for his job reffing soccer games in the area around my university. Alivia and I were on our way to see our friend Hope at her college on the other side of the state. It’s a boring three-hour drive. Anyway, mom knew Alivia and mine’s plans so she asked me to drop my car off for my brother on the way there. This worked out since I got out of class earlier than Alivia. She and I would meet at my brother’s campus and then continue the drive from there in her car. Well, for once in my life I arrive an hour early. I’m serious. I don’t think I’ve ever been an hour early to anything in my life. Well, before I tell my brother that I’ve arrived, I text Kraig. See what he’s up to. Kraig and my bro go to the same university btw. I knew it was a long shot texting him, I expected a terse answer back. But, he just said that he was at his internship on Fridays. After that, we actually had a pretty decent and fun conversation! I did mess up thinking that he wouldn’t have squeed aloud when he received a call for a job interview, but he did. Luckily the person on the phone didn’t notice. But I messed up. When he’s really excited he cannot hold a squee back. But, the conversation came to an end. He decided to not text back. I don’t really want to become one of those ex’s that is like “I miss you.” Though I do miss him.
I really don’t know what to do. I don’t think I’m ready to get into a relationship at all right now. But, I miss him. I would like to be friends with him, but he told me when we broke up that he didn’t think that was possible on his side. I’m too used to being in a relationship with him. I would go back to old habits, even if I was only comfortable with being friends atm. When I’m uncertain of what to do, I follow old patterns. Which has lead to some mistakes, let me tell you.
I keep meaning to end this post, but I keep typing. My thoughts are just going to keep going in circles. I know what I want to do, talk to him. But my reason keeps telling me it’s a bad idea. Plus, Alivia would kill me I feel like. She and the other girls only ever really heard the negative from me about him. Because I never felt like they were receptive when I wanted to gush about him. Yet they would shut up and let me vent whenever I needed to. So they only heard the bad. I hate this.
I want to text him, call him, meet up with him. Yet, I keep telling myself it’s probably a bad idea. Plus, why now? After I was the one who told him I didn’t want to text or call. Well, I needed space. I needed the distance so that I could get over him. Well, I got it. I healed. I grew. But I miss him now.
I don’t want to text him now or anytime soon. He has exams next week and I don’t want to distract him. But if I keep putting it off, I’ll never talk to him…. I would love to text him tomorrow to see if we can meet up when I drive up to help my brother move his stuff home. But I really don’t want to distract him this whole week with the thought of seeing me. That’s pretty damn arrogant of me. I know him. I know he could set me aside so he can study. I just don’t want to risk it. I dislike risks. I should just text him tomorrow and ask about when his internship ends, how the interview went, when his exams are done. Can I see him? I should just do it. This need to see how he’s doing just won’t go away. This need to see him just won’t go away.