Similar = replacement?

So I’m kinda seeing this guy. His name is Ryan. And he’s similar to Kraig. They’re definitely not the same person but they have some similar interests and some of the flirting has gone similar places.

But, I let him call him me “babe.”  I never let Kraig do that, I hated it crossing his lips. Whenever Kraig tried, I asked him not to. It was just… trite. Like every other relationship. I’ve also grown to hate “babe” because of AU/AH Twilight fanfiction. It seems like every other story used “babe” as a term of endearment. Hated it. But Ryan… I don’t mind it. Probably cuz I don’t think this is going to last. I don’t want it to last. I like being single more than I like Ryan.

I’m also fucking terrified of getting into a relationship right now.

Ryan and I are very comfortable around each other. Like physically and… spiritually isn’t the right word. Personally? On a personal level? That’s probably a close enough term for it for now. I suppose sexually might be a better term actually.

We met at a frat party in November at the college my birthday buddy Francis attended (she just graduated in April). Fran is a sweetheart at  his fraternity so he at least kind of knew her since he’s about two years younger than us. Anyway, we had come back from a stoplight party at another fraternity and Ryan answered the door at his. He and I exchanged a quip about knowing Fran, so I walked up to him, invaded his personal space, put a hand to his cheek and said he could always get to know me. Then I walked on to the kitchen. Alivia in her very drunken state told him to ignore me, I was just horny. Lol. He was definitely interested in me after that. We kissed that night and he even invited me back to his dorm. Thankfully, even though I was definitely drunk at that point, I still had enough sense to head back to Fran’s sorority house to sleep. I love sex with Ryan now, but I don’t ever want to have drunk sex after the whole Tennessee thing. Anyway, I got Ryan’s number from Fran the next day. He and I flirted and sexted a shit ton. I had sex with him in December when Alivia and I visited Fran again to watch her in a theater performance. Omg it was good sex. Since then, we’ve had sex like four times. There was A LOT of sexting and just plain texting in between and this summer as well.

There were definitely times I wondered if he liked me and I had to ask Fran if he liked me or if he was just being his friendly self. I didn’t know, I didn’t know him. Well, about a week ago, he told me he likes me. He’s across the pond atm for study abroad. So there’s a chance that it’s because of the distance that he likes me.

He is a great guy. I just don’t see myself dating him. It used to be that he just seemed really immature. Well, I’ve gotten to know him a bit more and now I just don’t see us lasting. It’s a mixture of him still having two years of undergrad left and he’s almost 100% going straight into grad school while I have one semester of undergrad left, plans to apply to the Peace Corps, and we live on opposite sides of the state. Also in that mixture is my gut feeling that it wouldn’t last. There’s also something missing… something I can’t put my finger on. In addition to all this is my terror of getting into a relationship atm. I don’t want to give someone all of myself. One of the many reasons Kraig and I didn’t work out is because I didn’t put my whole self into our relationship. When we broke up, all my walls snapped instantly back into place, and I think in some places they’re stronger than they used to be while in other places they’re weaker than they used to be. The weaker parts mean I’m actually letting my friends in on things more than I used to. The stronger parts mean that I’m not letting anyone new into the details of my life.

Lyn asked me how I feel when I talked to him, Fran suggested that I just see how things go. I’m trying to be open-minded with him. I told him why I’m extremely hesitant and asked if we could continue the conversation some other time. In the mean time we’re going to continue as we are and get to know each other better.

I guess one way he reminds me of Kraig are some of his comebacks. I lapse into the pattern I had with Kraig and that feels wrong and right at the same time. Wrong because it was Kraig and I’s thing, I shouldn’t be using it with another. Wrong also because of the worry that I’m trying to replace Kraig. Right because I miss Kraig and the patterns remind me of him.

Another way is some of his interests like video games. Ryan is obsessed with different games than Kraig but they have played some of the same games. Like Ryan’s obsession is Skyrim while Kraig’s is World of Warcraft. But I know about Skyrim through Kraig. I draw on my memories with Kraig in order to talk about Skyrim with Ryan. Same with the Steam platform in general. It’s kind of uncomfortable to draw on my memories of Kraig to talk to Ryan sometimes. It feels like a betrayal to both of them. Ryan because I’m thinking of and missing the happy times with another guy. Kraig because I’m using my memories of him to talk to and make another guy happy.

Ryan is kind of like what Kraig would be if he wasn’t so withdrawn. Kraig had his fun side but also his serious side. Ryan is almost always fun. When he’s serious, he’s more contemplative than somber, like Kraig was. I had problems with Kraig’s somberness and serious side. I wonder if I attached myself to Ryan because he’s a version of Kraig that I wanted Kraig to be. I’m worried that I’m looking for a “better” version of Kraig. The quotation marks are on purpose because Kraig is a fantastic guy and I’m not saying that he couldn’t or shouldn’t change, but I don’t think that he needs to become another person altogether. I also don’t think that people are better than others. I may not like someone, but they are the moon and stars to someone else.

There aren’t really any other concrete similarities between the two. Sometimes Ryan will say or do something and I’ll just get this jolt in my stomach because he reminds me of Kraig and I wonder what the hell I’m doing.



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