Would I Survive?

I like to play a game called “Would I survive?” It came about after I read a book series called The Touchstone Trilogy by Andrea K. Höst. Basically an Australian girl from the 21st century is walking home from school and the next thing she knows, she’s on a different planet. She (and the reader) find out later that she walked through a natural “gate.” Think portal between worlds. Not quite alternate universes, more like a tear in space that allows one to travel through the fourth dimension to another world or worlds. 

She’s alone on this planet for about a month and has to survive for the first half with nothing but what she had on her when she walked unknowingly through the gate. So her school uniform, backpack, and the various things in her backpack. 

The game I play is taking stock of what I’m wearing and carrying and wondering if I would survive and how I would survive if I was suddenly transported to another world or into Earth’s past or future. I play it randomly. Like what prompted me to write this was me looking and my feet and thinking I probably wouldn’t survive long if I was transported right this moment because I only have socks and not shoes on. Okay, depending on the terrain I would be fine or screwed. 

I really like this book series though. The main character, Cass, is down to Earth and she really wonders if maybe she’s locked up somewhere on Earth bc she had a psychiatric break. Basically, while there are events that would make her a Mary Sue, the way she reacts to these events and wonders about her apparent Mary Sue-ish life actually negates the Mary Sueishness of the story. 

I’ll probably write more on the book series another time. I accomplished what I wanted with this post.

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[Decent]

When did I stop being a decent person?

I decided to break things off with Rich. Honestly, my reason was because it hurt Ryan so much. My reason should be because it’s unfair to both Rich and Ryan. I should not have started this thing with Rich in the first place. I had an idea that Rich liked me before we had sex that first time. And after sex that first time when I asked him where we wanted this to go, he turned it around on me right away. As soon as he turned it around I had an inkling that he was hiding his true feelings so as not to get hurt. I knew this and went ahead and told him I didn’t want a relationship. Which was true, but I didn’t press him for his true feelings. I let him cover and say he probably shouldn’t start one since he’s going to another state to work in a few months. I should have pressed and told him about Ryan then.

I feel even worse about breaking things off with Rich than when Ryan found out about Rich. I think this is because I was face to face with Rich, rather than over fb messages with Ryan. God, I remember telling Kraig over the phone that I had cheated on  him. He immediately started crying. He threw up and he couldn’t sleep for like two or three days straight. Just remembering makes my stomach turn. I think I know Rich’s tell now though. When he’s trying to cover that he’s hurt or that he’s vulnerable, his voice gets louder in a burst before going back to normal. It’s faked bravado. Well, all the good that will do for me now.

I thought about texting him to make sure he got home okay. I decided not to. I didn’t think he’d want to hear from me. I might send a text tomorrow just saying I hope he got home safe and that I won’t bother him again. I just read an FB article about benching people instead of ghosting. I think I’ve been doing it to Rich, but not to the point that these people were. The point is that I’m wondering if texting him tomorrow would drag it out and hurt him more. Or would not texting at all hurt him more? I honestly don’t know. I want to text tomorrow to prove that I have some remorse.  But that’s what it would be, proving myself, not quite motivated totally by actual remorse.

I’ve been talking to Andrew a bit the past few months. Random, but it’s more like every two weeks or so until lately with all the shit I’ve put these guys through. Originally I told him because I thought he’d be proud because I assumed he was still the guy that womanized from his early Air Force days. He’s not. He’s a really amazing guy. He’s always been an amazing guy. He went through a state where he was a bit morally loose with woman and sex. But that was a while ago and I think I actually ignored that he had changed. I wanted someone to tell me congrats and cheer me on so I could ignore what I was feeling doing these things with guys. By these things I mean the mental and emotional machinations I’ve put a few guys through. Like I ghosted Christian, I kept Ryan in the dark about Chris and Ryan never knew I slept with other guys when I didn’t see him, and I knowingly used Rich. God, I’ve used Rich in multiple ways.

One night when Cole was in town (Alivia’s now ex-bf), I was hanging out with Alivia and listening to her vent while Cole was hanging out with Rich. I told her I could manipulate Rich into inviting both of us over to hang out with them so Alivia could confront Cole and talk to him. She took me up on it. It totally worked. I don’t know if Rich realized I used him that night, but since I’m only just now realizing that he notices a lot more than he lets on, he probably did.

I’m wondering about when I stopped being a decent person because at some point I would have cared that I was juggling multiple guys and that I was using someone. I would have cared that I was ghosting someone or had ghosted multiple people. I feel really bad about using Rich because he said he was used to being used. I am so ashamed of myself because I never wanted to be one of those people.

I started sleeping with people after Kraig and I broke up. Like two days after we broke up. Is that when I stopped being a decent person? I know I locked some of myself up or froze some of myself. I didn’t want to hurt again. I didn’t want to care. I think I decided to hurt because then I was the one controlling and they couldn’t hurt me. Or maybe to prove to myself that I could hurt without caring. Because I hurt Kraig. I hurt him badly. And then the guilt tore through me, ripping me to shreds. I regretted my actions because of the consequences, not the actual actions themselves. I hated all the frustrations, anxiety, and just general negative emotions that came with dealing with the consequences. I didn’t want to care about the consequences.

I should have stuck with guys like Christ if I wanted to continue this sleeping around thing. He’s clearly in love with another girl who can’t get out of her current relationship because her bf is terminal but they have an agreement about sleeping around and will probably continue that once they eventually get together (they nor I are trying to be callous about this, the guy is Chris’s friend too, but death occurs, it is a definite eventuality). He has no feelings for me beyond a person to vent to and work his frustrations out with using sex. I never felt used before having sex with him. It was fantastic sex and nothing else before. This time… it wasn’t good because I was so aware there were no feelings because Ryan had feelings for me. I could tell the difference now that Ryan had pointed it out. But Chris actually worded it for me because he was feeling a lil guilty afterwards, though he had her permission. He liked sex with me, but he wishedwanted it to be with her. I think that’s why sex with Rich and Chris was so lackluster with for me. I don’t return Ryan’s feelings as intently as he has them, even as I want my feelings to grow, but I know the feeling of being loved and cherished during sex. There’s a difference.

When and why did I decide to ignore this? When did I stop being decent? Why?

What do I have to do to be a decent person again?

Sex, Love, and the In-Between

This weekend went to shit. It started out great. My dad and his wife came up to visit my brother and I on Thursday. I got out of work at the museum about the same time they arrived. They got lunch with my brother and his girlfriend while I drove home. At 2pm they picked me up and we went on the Mac Dune Rides. I haven’t done that since I was little and it was a ton of fun. We also went blueberry picking on Friday. That’s when things started to go downhill.

Kraig has a girlfriend. Dad just casually asked me about it while we were picking blueberries together. Kraig and I aren’t friends on Facebook, so there’s only so much stuff I can see. I felt like I was going to throw up. I couldn’t focus on it. It wasn’t the time or place. So I shoved it to the back of my head after texting Alivia and the rest of the girls. I was down the rest of the night, kinda unresponsive. I tried, but I just couldn’t act normal since I was numbing myself so I wouldn’t react about Kraig.

Friday night I’m about to go to sleep at about 1 in the morning when I get a text from an old fuck buddy. He and I had tried to see each other during the beginning of the summer but it never worked out. Then he was getting back together with the girl he’s been in love with for 10 years so I thought I had heard the last from him. But I get a text at 1am asking if I can come over and stay the night. I immediately ask what happened. He said he’d explain in person. He continued to text to convince me to come over when I wasn’t texting back right away as I was thinking. I felt bad. But I also thought, I could use this to help me feel better. I knew it was bad coping method, but it was a way to forget for a while. Since I still live with my parents I had to convince my mom to let me borrow the car. I told her the truth, but left out that he and I were going to have sex and were former fuck buddies. Just said that Chris a friend from school was having girl problems and needed someone to vent to and had asked me to come over to stay the night. Well, it worked. I went over there. Chris is the best sex I’ve had of the guys I’ve slept with. Ryan comes in second. It was good sex, but it wasn’t as good as it used to be. I’m only kinda just noticing this now that I think back though. It’s the same feeling when I have sex with Rich. I think Chris kinda pin-pointed it. While the sex is good, it’s not with the person that you want it to be.

I missed something chronologically. While I’m getting ready to leave for Chris’s, Ryan messages me over FB messenger. Not sure why that medium instead of texting, but whatever. Something I’ve noticed is that he… I wouldn’t say he’s the most honest when he’s really drunk, but he brings up the stuff that has been weighing on him, or bothering him. I’m still not sure that’s the most accurate description though. The first time is when he all but said the words “I love you.” This time, he wanted to know where we stand and what our boundaries are since we’re not actually dating but both like each other. I tried to be vague about the line thing, but he ended up asking me where the line is to me. I told him that I have a fuck buddy over here (Rich). Well, that hurt Ryan badly. He said he feels cheap. He hasn’t had sex with anyone because he thought that if it weren’t for the distance we would definitely be dating and he thought I felt the same way. I was driving at this point and I obviously wasn’t going to tell Ryan that I’m going over to another fuck buddy’s. I didn’t really say anything after that. The next day I replied with some nonsense. I said in the message that I didn’t want to give him platitudes but I kind of did. I knew I needed to give him some response, but I hadn’t had a chance to really think anything through yet, so it was like scratching the surface and that’s it. I didn’t lie at all in it, but it wasn’t the complete truth either. He replied that we should have talked about boundaries well before this and that he can’t truly be mad at me because there was no actual reason to say I couldn’t have a fuck buddy. He feels like I’m still keeping at arm’s length. He’s not sure what he is to me so he doesn’t know how to move forward. I replied much later that I hadn’t answered yet because I didn’t know what to say and that I would talk to him tomorrow.

So now I’m journaling on here trying to figure out what he is to me and what I want.

I texted Kraig to see if we could meet because I thought that meeting with him would help me get closure. He was on the edge of scolding me for being an idiot. But he was right. It’s been almost a year and he’s been dating his gf since February, 5 months after he and I broke up. I was kind of mad at first, but he’s right. Talking to him isn’t 100% guaranteed to help me. What I actually needed to was know that he had 100% moved on. The text exchange proved that to me. I am truly happy for him. From what I can see of his gf’s fb page, she definitely has more interests in common with him, stuff that I was never willing to even try liking. She’s also a really good friend of his friend’s gf, so that means he’s probably grown closer to this friend after they had grown apart quite a bit. He was so isolated for a while, so this is really good.

I think I’m just really mad and jealous that his life is so put together and he’s achieving his goals while I… am not. He has officially moved out of his parents’ house, is financially independent, he’s had jobs in the field and in positions that he really wanted so that he can move up in his field, he has a gf that is probably a way better match for him than I ever was. Obviously I don’t know what is going on behind the scenes. But on the surface, he’s at least taking the steps he wanted to achieve his dreams.

I feel like I’m relying on Ryan and Rich for attention. Like I need constant attention in order to feel happy. They’re my distraction from the shit I need to do for school, from how far behind I actually am.

I don’t really have passion for anything anymore. I’m having trouble finding books that really capture my attention, I don’t want to draw, write, make collages, work out, really anything. I still like to dance, but that’s because it’s another distraction rather than an expression of how I’m feeling and I love the physical high I get from dancing as well. But I can’t get passionate about improving, or taking lessons, or even just watching videos on YouTube to get better. I don’t really contact my friends besides Alivia. Jaclyn has been in town up until like a week ago and I never asked her if she wanted to hang out. If the girls were thinking about getting together as a group I was all for it, but I only ever wanted to hang out with Alivia on my own, not any of the others even though I’ve had a blast doing so in the past.

My mom keeps saying that I’ve been the person I was before I started dating Kraig and that she really missed that person. I’m not sure I want to be that person. I have a lot of my energy and silliness back, but I’m still a major procrastinator and I don’t have plans for the future. I have vague goals, but no definite dreams and plans to get there. What I’m doing right now is trying to graduate so that I’m not quite anchored to one place anymore.

And in all this I’m trying to figure out my heart. I started this journal post so that I could give Ryan an answer. What is he to me? Yet I haven’t answered that yet. Ryan is a flirtatious man who is always equipped with something funny to say, that’s teasing, challenging, but generally made so you’re included, that it creates a connection or banter. He has a smirk that drives me wild. He’s adventurous in bed, he’s confided his sexual fantasies to me. He’s passionate in bed and likes to laugh in bed as well as make sure I’m in never-ending pleasure. He likes to snuggle/cuddle in bed and doesn’t mind that I might make his arm go numb from laying on it. He’s demonstrative in public and doesn’t hesitate to show affection. He and Alivia are like bros and are able to banter in a way that I can’t with him, don’t quite have the ability. He’s an absolute nerd about Star Wars and loves comedy movies. Dumb and Dumber is his favorite movie. He’s in band and loves the community. His fraternity is like his family away from home, but he really dislikes the politics that happen in his fraternity. He can dress dapper in suits or dress down in work out clothes and be confident in both. He’s a hick at heart but likes all kinds of music. His favorite ice cream is strawberry and he prefers red popsicles over orange ones (my favorite). He dislikes puns but makes them every time he uses a pick up line. He’s made puns and hated himself for it, but puns are growing on him. He thinks I’m absolutely beautiful. He’s extremely comfortable around me, physically, mentally, emotionally. He likes to dress up really nice and then go to fast food restaurants for the fun of it. He’s always willing to try new things. He loves to travel. He wants to be a history professor some day, his specialty would be the Roman era. He’s silly, he sends me snap videos of him singing along and dancing to different songs. His expressions are awesome and he never hides them. He’s open and vibrant and confident. He’s close with his mom and dad. He likes to drink a tad too much for me. He drinks whiskey which I think is disgusting. He’s got Franny and Alivia’s approval. He’s a furnace at night. He is such a dork when it comes to big beds, he loves spreading out in them. His reaction when he saw how big my bed was at school was priceless. His best friend is in the Marines and from his description is the perfect foil to him. A quiet hilarious rather than a loud hilarious like Ryan. He can’t stand to be in bed all day like I can.

When I’m around him I’m relaxed. I do feel like I have to play up my sarcasm a little bit around him, but otherwise I can be myself. I don’t quite feel ready to let him know about my depression and anxiety yet. He’s heard about Grandma, but not about Stew and my family life problems. I like his touch, but I feel hesitant in touching him sometimes because I don’t want him or people around us to think I like him more than I actually do. I don’t want to seem too clingy. There are times when I think he’s just interested in the sex while other times he just radiates his want to date me, his liking.

It’s hard for me to do distance I’m finding. I like having a boyfriend who’s always around to hang out with, or talk, or go on adventures. I grow emotionally detached when I can’t demonstrate my love/liking.

For the past month or so I keep finding  myself wanting to say “I love you” to him. Like if he does something cute or says something really wonderful to me. I haven’t said it because it surprised me. It seemed more like a knee-jerk reaction than anything else. Because I would say it to Kraig whenever he said or did something particularly cute. Those first few times I almost said it were like those situations. But when he found out about Rich I wanted to say it, convince him that he meant a lot to me. I wanted to use it like an apology, make it up to him. That’s not the right time or way to say it either. But I never wanted to say it before to him. Do I actually love him?

Rich’s texts I don’t feel bad about answering later. Ryan’s…. most of the time I want to answer him right away. I don’t feel nothing when he texts, like how I felt near the end of Kraig and I’s relationship. Rich I do feel kind of excited because it means I might get sex later. I do like exchanging banter, but it’s not the same level of excitement I get when Ryan texts. I get mad when I don’t hear from Ryan. I was jealous when he went on a friend date and didn’t tell me about it beforehand and I found out from snapchat. I squashed the jealousy down because I knew he liked me a lot and because we weren’t actually dating, he didn’t have to tell me.

So what is he to me? He’s someone I would really like to date and get to know better. He’s someone I want to fall in love with but I’m not there at the moment. I want to know why the Roman era and what exactly is so exciting about it. I want to tease him about liking red popsicles more than orange ones. I want to explore more in the bedroom with him. I like sex and I don’t mind having sex with other people, but I want to have sex with him. I want to watch Star Wars with him and watch him geek out. I want to learn more Star Wars jokes just to make him laugh and shake his head at me. I want him to say “God dammit woman” to me all the time and “You’re grounded.” I don’t want to compare him anymore. I want his kisses and his smiles, his hugs, and him picking me off the ground and teasing me about how short I am. I want to try new things with him and go on adventures. I want to get to know his friends and his family. I want to know, and I want to love him.