[Decent]

When did I stop being a decent person?

I decided to break things off with Rich. Honestly, my reason was because it hurt Ryan so much. My reason should be because it’s unfair to both Rich and Ryan. I should not have started this thing with Rich in the first place. I had an idea that Rich liked me before we had sex that first time. And after sex that first time when I asked him where we wanted this to go, he turned it around on me right away. As soon as he turned it around I had an inkling that he was hiding his true feelings so as not to get hurt. I knew this and went ahead and told him I didn’t want a relationship. Which was true, but I didn’t press him for his true feelings. I let him cover and say he probably shouldn’t start one since he’s going to another state to work in a few months. I should have pressed and told him about Ryan then.

I feel even worse about breaking things off with Rich than when Ryan found out about Rich. I think this is because I was face to face with Rich, rather than over fb messages with Ryan. God, I remember telling Kraig over the phone that I had cheated on  him. He immediately started crying. He threw up and he couldn’t sleep for like two or three days straight. Just remembering makes my stomach turn. I think I know Rich’s tell now though. When he’s trying to cover that he’s hurt or that he’s vulnerable, his voice gets louder in a burst before going back to normal. It’s faked bravado. Well, all the good that will do for me now.

I thought about texting him to make sure he got home okay. I decided not to. I didn’t think he’d want to hear from me. I might send a text tomorrow just saying I hope he got home safe and that I won’t bother him again. I just read an FB article about benching people instead of ghosting. I think I’ve been doing it to Rich, but not to the point that these people were. The point is that I’m wondering if texting him tomorrow would drag it out and hurt him more. Or would not texting at all hurt him more? I honestly don’t know. I want to text tomorrow to prove that I have some remorse.  But that’s what it would be, proving myself, not quite motivated totally by actual remorse.

I’ve been talking to Andrew a bit the past few months. Random, but it’s more like every two weeks or so until lately with all the shit I’ve put these guys through. Originally I told him because I thought he’d be proud because I assumed he was still the guy that womanized from his early Air Force days. He’s not. He’s a really amazing guy. He’s always been an amazing guy. He went through a state where he was a bit morally loose with woman and sex. But that was a while ago and I think I actually ignored that he had changed. I wanted someone to tell me congrats and cheer me on so I could ignore what I was feeling doing these things with guys. By these things I mean the mental and emotional machinations I’ve put a few guys through. Like I ghosted Christian, I kept Ryan in the dark about Chris and Ryan never knew I slept with other guys when I didn’t see him, and I knowingly used Rich. God, I’ve used Rich in multiple ways.

One night when Cole was in town (Alivia’s now ex-bf), I was hanging out with Alivia and listening to her vent while Cole was hanging out with Rich. I told her I could manipulate Rich into inviting both of us over to hang out with them so Alivia could confront Cole and talk to him. She took me up on it. It totally worked. I don’t know if Rich realized I used him that night, but since I’m only just now realizing that he notices a lot more than he lets on, he probably did.

I’m wondering about when I stopped being a decent person because at some point I would have cared that I was juggling multiple guys and that I was using someone. I would have cared that I was ghosting someone or had ghosted multiple people. I feel really bad about using Rich because he said he was used to being used. I am so ashamed of myself because I never wanted to be one of those people.

I started sleeping with people after Kraig and I broke up. Like two days after we broke up. Is that when I stopped being a decent person? I know I locked some of myself up or froze some of myself. I didn’t want to hurt again. I didn’t want to care. I think I decided to hurt because then I was the one controlling and they couldn’t hurt me. Or maybe to prove to myself that I could hurt without caring. Because I hurt Kraig. I hurt him badly. And then the guilt tore through me, ripping me to shreds. I regretted my actions because of the consequences, not the actual actions themselves. I hated all the frustrations, anxiety, and just general negative emotions that came with dealing with the consequences. I didn’t want to care about the consequences.

I should have stuck with guys like Christ if I wanted to continue this sleeping around thing. He’s clearly in love with another girl who can’t get out of her current relationship because her bf is terminal but they have an agreement about sleeping around and will probably continue that once they eventually get together (they nor I are trying to be callous about this, the guy is Chris’s friend too, but death occurs, it is a definite eventuality). He has no feelings for me beyond a person to vent to and work his frustrations out with using sex. I never felt used before having sex with him. It was fantastic sex and nothing else before. This time… it wasn’t good because I was so aware there were no feelings because Ryan had feelings for me. I could tell the difference now that Ryan had pointed it out. But Chris actually worded it for me because he was feeling a lil guilty afterwards, though he had her permission. He liked sex with me, but he wishedwanted it to be with her. I think that’s why sex with Rich and Chris was so lackluster with for me. I don’t return Ryan’s feelings as intently as he has them, even as I want my feelings to grow, but I know the feeling of being loved and cherished during sex. There’s a difference.

When and why did I decide to ignore this? When did I stop being decent? Why?

What do I have to do to be a decent person again?

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