This happened last weekend and I hadn’t really thought about it until tonight. I don’t know how my thoughts led me there, but I started thinking about swimming in Ryan’s pool last weekend. I was thinking of reasons to use to explain to him why I was cautious about swimming in a pool. My excuse at the time was because I had almost drowned as a child because I was so short and small at the time that when I stood on the edge between the shallow end and where it starts to slope to the deep end, I started slipping and going under water, not able to get myself firmly back into the shallow end. I think I eventually did and the adults never noticed my struggle. I told Ryan about this. But tonight I was trying to rationalize arguments to him, thinking about telling him that I’ve almost drowned multiple times. Which is true, but I think only one other time besides that time as a kid. The second time was during high school. Alivia had invited us all out to her family’s boat for her birthday. At one point we stopped so we could swim to shore. I had come immediately from work to her birthday party so I was physically tired from work. I nearly drowned swimming because I was too tired to swim by myself. One of my friends eventually towed me to shore and then back to the boat when we were ready.
But I was thinking, before that event, I loved to swim. Then, I still love to swim. I love doing flips, just floating in the water, and just swimming until I’m tired. Why didn’t I want to swim at Ryan’s then? Then I realized. I wanted to get into the water at my own pace, wading in, getting used to the water, and then swim using a stroke to re familiarize myself with formal swimming and test my muscle strength. Ryan wanted to jump in. He was verbally pushing me to jump in. Not in a mean or malicious way, just didn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to. But he picked me up and wouldn’t put me down. He was going to jump in with me in his arms. I begged him to put me down. Repeatedly. I din’t realize until now that I was terrified at the time. Absolutely fucking terrified. To the point that I couldn’t physically fight my way out of his arms like I normally would if we were play wrestling (and I fight dirty, I am physically able to fight my way out of his hold. But in this instance I was too scared to even think of it). When we resurfaced I had a bloody nose. The bloody nose was actually from the remnants of a cold causing me to blow my nose so much that the inside of my nose was delicate and the force of the water was enough to give me a nose bleed. I think the nose bleed shocked and surprised me enough that I didn’t think about how wrong it was that he jumped in even though I begged him to let me go before he did and from how scared I was.
Now that I’m thinking about it…. How the fuck could he do that to me??? We do some light BDSM in bed. Mistress/Lover kind of stuff, enough that we use a safe word. He knows how fucking important “no” and “stop” are. Why didn’t he listen to me? I thought I could trust him. I need to explain this to him. I do know him well enough and do trust him enough that if I enlighten him to this, he won’t do it again.
I was also thinking about how when I tickle him, I stop immediately if he says “Please, stop,” though if it is just “stop” I won’t stop tickling. Which is wrong, I should stop immediately when he says to. But the “please, stop” made me think of implementing a rule in our relationship that if one person says “Please, stop” to anything, the other person should stop immediately, no matter what it is, even if they don’t think they are doing anything wrong. If it can be followed immediately with an explanation, it should be, but if the explanation can’t be done immediately, then at least indicate that it will be explained later. I use explanation as more like “enlightenment.” Like, in the case where he or I is doing something that is making the other person uncomfortable but we don’t realize it, then explaining is like enlightening. I guess “explaining” feels a lot like “mansplaining” lately in my gut. I’ll have to make a separate post about that sometime. “Enlightening” just feels like the better word choice in this case. Anyway, thinking about adding “Please, stop” for anything reminded me of the times, like tickling (mostly tickling and never in bed. If he says stop in bed, I immediately stop. Vice versa for him too), when I haven’t stopped. Which made me feel guilty. Also scared though, because I’m scared that I’ve hurt or scared him like he did me. So this conversation needs to happen tomorrow as soon as possible. I want it done so it’s not plaguing me and it needs to happen before his pool party next weekend.