Would I Survive?

I like to play a game called “Would I survive?” It came about after I read a book series called The Touchstone Trilogy by Andrea K. Höst. Basically an Australian girl from the 21st century is walking home from school and the next thing she knows, she’s on a different planet. She (and the reader) find out later that she walked through a natural “gate.” Think portal between worlds. Not quite alternate universes, more like a tear in space that allows one to travel through the fourth dimension to another world or worlds. 

She’s alone on this planet for about a month and has to survive for the first half with nothing but what she had on her when she walked unknowingly through the gate. So her school uniform, backpack, and the various things in her backpack. 

The game I play is taking stock of what I’m wearing and carrying and wondering if I would survive and how I would survive if I was suddenly transported to another world or into Earth’s past or future. I play it randomly. Like what prompted me to write this was me looking and my feet and thinking I probably wouldn’t survive long if I was transported right this moment because I only have socks and not shoes on. Okay, depending on the terrain I would be fine or screwed. 

I really like this book series though. The main character, Cass, is down to Earth and she really wonders if maybe she’s locked up somewhere on Earth bc she had a psychiatric break. Basically, while there are events that would make her a Mary Sue, the way she reacts to these events and wonders about her apparent Mary Sue-ish life actually negates the Mary Sueishness of the story. 

I’ll probably write more on the book series another time. I accomplished what I wanted with this post.

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[Decent]

When did I stop being a decent person?

I decided to break things off with Rich. Honestly, my reason was because it hurt Ryan so much. My reason should be because it’s unfair to both Rich and Ryan. I should not have started this thing with Rich in the first place. I had an idea that Rich liked me before we had sex that first time. And after sex that first time when I asked him where we wanted this to go, he turned it around on me right away. As soon as he turned it around I had an inkling that he was hiding his true feelings so as not to get hurt. I knew this and went ahead and told him I didn’t want a relationship. Which was true, but I didn’t press him for his true feelings. I let him cover and say he probably shouldn’t start one since he’s going to another state to work in a few months. I should have pressed and told him about Ryan then.

I feel even worse about breaking things off with Rich than when Ryan found out about Rich. I think this is because I was face to face with Rich, rather than over fb messages with Ryan. God, I remember telling Kraig over the phone that I had cheated on  him. He immediately started crying. He threw up and he couldn’t sleep for like two or three days straight. Just remembering makes my stomach turn. I think I know Rich’s tell now though. When he’s trying to cover that he’s hurt or that he’s vulnerable, his voice gets louder in a burst before going back to normal. It’s faked bravado. Well, all the good that will do for me now.

I thought about texting him to make sure he got home okay. I decided not to. I didn’t think he’d want to hear from me. I might send a text tomorrow just saying I hope he got home safe and that I won’t bother him again. I just read an FB article about benching people instead of ghosting. I think I’ve been doing it to Rich, but not to the point that these people were. The point is that I’m wondering if texting him tomorrow would drag it out and hurt him more. Or would not texting at all hurt him more? I honestly don’t know. I want to text tomorrow to prove that I have some remorse.  But that’s what it would be, proving myself, not quite motivated totally by actual remorse.

I’ve been talking to Andrew a bit the past few months. Random, but it’s more like every two weeks or so until lately with all the shit I’ve put these guys through. Originally I told him because I thought he’d be proud because I assumed he was still the guy that womanized from his early Air Force days. He’s not. He’s a really amazing guy. He’s always been an amazing guy. He went through a state where he was a bit morally loose with woman and sex. But that was a while ago and I think I actually ignored that he had changed. I wanted someone to tell me congrats and cheer me on so I could ignore what I was feeling doing these things with guys. By these things I mean the mental and emotional machinations I’ve put a few guys through. Like I ghosted Christian, I kept Ryan in the dark about Chris and Ryan never knew I slept with other guys when I didn’t see him, and I knowingly used Rich. God, I’ve used Rich in multiple ways.

One night when Cole was in town (Alivia’s now ex-bf), I was hanging out with Alivia and listening to her vent while Cole was hanging out with Rich. I told her I could manipulate Rich into inviting both of us over to hang out with them so Alivia could confront Cole and talk to him. She took me up on it. It totally worked. I don’t know if Rich realized I used him that night, but since I’m only just now realizing that he notices a lot more than he lets on, he probably did.

I’m wondering about when I stopped being a decent person because at some point I would have cared that I was juggling multiple guys and that I was using someone. I would have cared that I was ghosting someone or had ghosted multiple people. I feel really bad about using Rich because he said he was used to being used. I am so ashamed of myself because I never wanted to be one of those people.

I started sleeping with people after Kraig and I broke up. Like two days after we broke up. Is that when I stopped being a decent person? I know I locked some of myself up or froze some of myself. I didn’t want to hurt again. I didn’t want to care. I think I decided to hurt because then I was the one controlling and they couldn’t hurt me. Or maybe to prove to myself that I could hurt without caring. Because I hurt Kraig. I hurt him badly. And then the guilt tore through me, ripping me to shreds. I regretted my actions because of the consequences, not the actual actions themselves. I hated all the frustrations, anxiety, and just general negative emotions that came with dealing with the consequences. I didn’t want to care about the consequences.

I should have stuck with guys like Christ if I wanted to continue this sleeping around thing. He’s clearly in love with another girl who can’t get out of her current relationship because her bf is terminal but they have an agreement about sleeping around and will probably continue that once they eventually get together (they nor I are trying to be callous about this, the guy is Chris’s friend too, but death occurs, it is a definite eventuality). He has no feelings for me beyond a person to vent to and work his frustrations out with using sex. I never felt used before having sex with him. It was fantastic sex and nothing else before. This time… it wasn’t good because I was so aware there were no feelings because Ryan had feelings for me. I could tell the difference now that Ryan had pointed it out. But Chris actually worded it for me because he was feeling a lil guilty afterwards, though he had her permission. He liked sex with me, but he wishedwanted it to be with her. I think that’s why sex with Rich and Chris was so lackluster with for me. I don’t return Ryan’s feelings as intently as he has them, even as I want my feelings to grow, but I know the feeling of being loved and cherished during sex. There’s a difference.

When and why did I decide to ignore this? When did I stop being decent? Why?

What do I have to do to be a decent person again?

Sex, Love, and the In-Between

This weekend went to shit. It started out great. My dad and his wife came up to visit my brother and I on Thursday. I got out of work at the museum about the same time they arrived. They got lunch with my brother and his girlfriend while I drove home. At 2pm they picked me up and we went on the Mac Dune Rides. I haven’t done that since I was little and it was a ton of fun. We also went blueberry picking on Friday. That’s when things started to go downhill.

Kraig has a girlfriend. Dad just casually asked me about it while we were picking blueberries together. Kraig and I aren’t friends on Facebook, so there’s only so much stuff I can see. I felt like I was going to throw up. I couldn’t focus on it. It wasn’t the time or place. So I shoved it to the back of my head after texting Alivia and the rest of the girls. I was down the rest of the night, kinda unresponsive. I tried, but I just couldn’t act normal since I was numbing myself so I wouldn’t react about Kraig.

Friday night I’m about to go to sleep at about 1 in the morning when I get a text from an old fuck buddy. He and I had tried to see each other during the beginning of the summer but it never worked out. Then he was getting back together with the girl he’s been in love with for 10 years so I thought I had heard the last from him. But I get a text at 1am asking if I can come over and stay the night. I immediately ask what happened. He said he’d explain in person. He continued to text to convince me to come over when I wasn’t texting back right away as I was thinking. I felt bad. But I also thought, I could use this to help me feel better. I knew it was bad coping method, but it was a way to forget for a while. Since I still live with my parents I had to convince my mom to let me borrow the car. I told her the truth, but left out that he and I were going to have sex and were former fuck buddies. Just said that Chris a friend from school was having girl problems and needed someone to vent to and had asked me to come over to stay the night. Well, it worked. I went over there. Chris is the best sex I’ve had of the guys I’ve slept with. Ryan comes in second. It was good sex, but it wasn’t as good as it used to be. I’m only kinda just noticing this now that I think back though. It’s the same feeling when I have sex with Rich. I think Chris kinda pin-pointed it. While the sex is good, it’s not with the person that you want it to be.

I missed something chronologically. While I’m getting ready to leave for Chris’s, Ryan messages me over FB messenger. Not sure why that medium instead of texting, but whatever. Something I’ve noticed is that he… I wouldn’t say he’s the most honest when he’s really drunk, but he brings up the stuff that has been weighing on him, or bothering him. I’m still not sure that’s the most accurate description though. The first time is when he all but said the words “I love you.” This time, he wanted to know where we stand and what our boundaries are since we’re not actually dating but both like each other. I tried to be vague about the line thing, but he ended up asking me where the line is to me. I told him that I have a fuck buddy over here (Rich). Well, that hurt Ryan badly. He said he feels cheap. He hasn’t had sex with anyone because he thought that if it weren’t for the distance we would definitely be dating and he thought I felt the same way. I was driving at this point and I obviously wasn’t going to tell Ryan that I’m going over to another fuck buddy’s. I didn’t really say anything after that. The next day I replied with some nonsense. I said in the message that I didn’t want to give him platitudes but I kind of did. I knew I needed to give him some response, but I hadn’t had a chance to really think anything through yet, so it was like scratching the surface and that’s it. I didn’t lie at all in it, but it wasn’t the complete truth either. He replied that we should have talked about boundaries well before this and that he can’t truly be mad at me because there was no actual reason to say I couldn’t have a fuck buddy. He feels like I’m still keeping at arm’s length. He’s not sure what he is to me so he doesn’t know how to move forward. I replied much later that I hadn’t answered yet because I didn’t know what to say and that I would talk to him tomorrow.

So now I’m journaling on here trying to figure out what he is to me and what I want.

I texted Kraig to see if we could meet because I thought that meeting with him would help me get closure. He was on the edge of scolding me for being an idiot. But he was right. It’s been almost a year and he’s been dating his gf since February, 5 months after he and I broke up. I was kind of mad at first, but he’s right. Talking to him isn’t 100% guaranteed to help me. What I actually needed to was know that he had 100% moved on. The text exchange proved that to me. I am truly happy for him. From what I can see of his gf’s fb page, she definitely has more interests in common with him, stuff that I was never willing to even try liking. She’s also a really good friend of his friend’s gf, so that means he’s probably grown closer to this friend after they had grown apart quite a bit. He was so isolated for a while, so this is really good.

I think I’m just really mad and jealous that his life is so put together and he’s achieving his goals while I… am not. He has officially moved out of his parents’ house, is financially independent, he’s had jobs in the field and in positions that he really wanted so that he can move up in his field, he has a gf that is probably a way better match for him than I ever was. Obviously I don’t know what is going on behind the scenes. But on the surface, he’s at least taking the steps he wanted to achieve his dreams.

I feel like I’m relying on Ryan and Rich for attention. Like I need constant attention in order to feel happy. They’re my distraction from the shit I need to do for school, from how far behind I actually am.

I don’t really have passion for anything anymore. I’m having trouble finding books that really capture my attention, I don’t want to draw, write, make collages, work out, really anything. I still like to dance, but that’s because it’s another distraction rather than an expression of how I’m feeling and I love the physical high I get from dancing as well. But I can’t get passionate about improving, or taking lessons, or even just watching videos on YouTube to get better. I don’t really contact my friends besides Alivia. Jaclyn has been in town up until like a week ago and I never asked her if she wanted to hang out. If the girls were thinking about getting together as a group I was all for it, but I only ever wanted to hang out with Alivia on my own, not any of the others even though I’ve had a blast doing so in the past.

My mom keeps saying that I’ve been the person I was before I started dating Kraig and that she really missed that person. I’m not sure I want to be that person. I have a lot of my energy and silliness back, but I’m still a major procrastinator and I don’t have plans for the future. I have vague goals, but no definite dreams and plans to get there. What I’m doing right now is trying to graduate so that I’m not quite anchored to one place anymore.

And in all this I’m trying to figure out my heart. I started this journal post so that I could give Ryan an answer. What is he to me? Yet I haven’t answered that yet. Ryan is a flirtatious man who is always equipped with something funny to say, that’s teasing, challenging, but generally made so you’re included, that it creates a connection or banter. He has a smirk that drives me wild. He’s adventurous in bed, he’s confided his sexual fantasies to me. He’s passionate in bed and likes to laugh in bed as well as make sure I’m in never-ending pleasure. He likes to snuggle/cuddle in bed and doesn’t mind that I might make his arm go numb from laying on it. He’s demonstrative in public and doesn’t hesitate to show affection. He and Alivia are like bros and are able to banter in a way that I can’t with him, don’t quite have the ability. He’s an absolute nerd about Star Wars and loves comedy movies. Dumb and Dumber is his favorite movie. He’s in band and loves the community. His fraternity is like his family away from home, but he really dislikes the politics that happen in his fraternity. He can dress dapper in suits or dress down in work out clothes and be confident in both. He’s a hick at heart but likes all kinds of music. His favorite ice cream is strawberry and he prefers red popsicles over orange ones (my favorite). He dislikes puns but makes them every time he uses a pick up line. He’s made puns and hated himself for it, but puns are growing on him. He thinks I’m absolutely beautiful. He’s extremely comfortable around me, physically, mentally, emotionally. He likes to dress up really nice and then go to fast food restaurants for the fun of it. He’s always willing to try new things. He loves to travel. He wants to be a history professor some day, his specialty would be the Roman era. He’s silly, he sends me snap videos of him singing along and dancing to different songs. His expressions are awesome and he never hides them. He’s open and vibrant and confident. He’s close with his mom and dad. He likes to drink a tad too much for me. He drinks whiskey which I think is disgusting. He’s got Franny and Alivia’s approval. He’s a furnace at night. He is such a dork when it comes to big beds, he loves spreading out in them. His reaction when he saw how big my bed was at school was priceless. His best friend is in the Marines and from his description is the perfect foil to him. A quiet hilarious rather than a loud hilarious like Ryan. He can’t stand to be in bed all day like I can.

When I’m around him I’m relaxed. I do feel like I have to play up my sarcasm a little bit around him, but otherwise I can be myself. I don’t quite feel ready to let him know about my depression and anxiety yet. He’s heard about Grandma, but not about Stew and my family life problems. I like his touch, but I feel hesitant in touching him sometimes because I don’t want him or people around us to think I like him more than I actually do. I don’t want to seem too clingy. There are times when I think he’s just interested in the sex while other times he just radiates his want to date me, his liking.

It’s hard for me to do distance I’m finding. I like having a boyfriend who’s always around to hang out with, or talk, or go on adventures. I grow emotionally detached when I can’t demonstrate my love/liking.

For the past month or so I keep finding  myself wanting to say “I love you” to him. Like if he does something cute or says something really wonderful to me. I haven’t said it because it surprised me. It seemed more like a knee-jerk reaction than anything else. Because I would say it to Kraig whenever he said or did something particularly cute. Those first few times I almost said it were like those situations. But when he found out about Rich I wanted to say it, convince him that he meant a lot to me. I wanted to use it like an apology, make it up to him. That’s not the right time or way to say it either. But I never wanted to say it before to him. Do I actually love him?

Rich’s texts I don’t feel bad about answering later. Ryan’s…. most of the time I want to answer him right away. I don’t feel nothing when he texts, like how I felt near the end of Kraig and I’s relationship. Rich I do feel kind of excited because it means I might get sex later. I do like exchanging banter, but it’s not the same level of excitement I get when Ryan texts. I get mad when I don’t hear from Ryan. I was jealous when he went on a friend date and didn’t tell me about it beforehand and I found out from snapchat. I squashed the jealousy down because I knew he liked me a lot and because we weren’t actually dating, he didn’t have to tell me.

So what is he to me? He’s someone I would really like to date and get to know better. He’s someone I want to fall in love with but I’m not there at the moment. I want to know why the Roman era and what exactly is so exciting about it. I want to tease him about liking red popsicles more than orange ones. I want to explore more in the bedroom with him. I like sex and I don’t mind having sex with other people, but I want to have sex with him. I want to watch Star Wars with him and watch him geek out. I want to learn more Star Wars jokes just to make him laugh and shake his head at me. I want him to say “God dammit woman” to me all the time and “You’re grounded.” I don’t want to compare him anymore. I want his kisses and his smiles, his hugs, and him picking me off the ground and teasing me about how short I am. I want to try new things with him and go on adventures. I want to get to know his friends and his family. I want to know, and I want to love him.

 

 

Similar = replacement?

So I’m kinda seeing this guy. His name is Ryan. And he’s similar to Kraig. They’re definitely not the same person but they have some similar interests and some of the flirting has gone similar places.

But, I let him call him me “babe.”  I never let Kraig do that, I hated it crossing his lips. Whenever Kraig tried, I asked him not to. It was just… trite. Like every other relationship. I’ve also grown to hate “babe” because of AU/AH Twilight fanfiction. It seems like every other story used “babe” as a term of endearment. Hated it. But Ryan… I don’t mind it. Probably cuz I don’t think this is going to last. I don’t want it to last. I like being single more than I like Ryan.

I’m also fucking terrified of getting into a relationship right now.

Ryan and I are very comfortable around each other. Like physically and… spiritually isn’t the right word. Personally? On a personal level? That’s probably a close enough term for it for now. I suppose sexually might be a better term actually.

We met at a frat party in November at the college my birthday buddy Francis attended (she just graduated in April). Fran is a sweetheart at  his fraternity so he at least kind of knew her since he’s about two years younger than us. Anyway, we had come back from a stoplight party at another fraternity and Ryan answered the door at his. He and I exchanged a quip about knowing Fran, so I walked up to him, invaded his personal space, put a hand to his cheek and said he could always get to know me. Then I walked on to the kitchen. Alivia in her very drunken state told him to ignore me, I was just horny. Lol. He was definitely interested in me after that. We kissed that night and he even invited me back to his dorm. Thankfully, even though I was definitely drunk at that point, I still had enough sense to head back to Fran’s sorority house to sleep. I love sex with Ryan now, but I don’t ever want to have drunk sex after the whole Tennessee thing. Anyway, I got Ryan’s number from Fran the next day. He and I flirted and sexted a shit ton. I had sex with him in December when Alivia and I visited Fran again to watch her in a theater performance. Omg it was good sex. Since then, we’ve had sex like four times. There was A LOT of sexting and just plain texting in between and this summer as well.

There were definitely times I wondered if he liked me and I had to ask Fran if he liked me or if he was just being his friendly self. I didn’t know, I didn’t know him. Well, about a week ago, he told me he likes me. He’s across the pond atm for study abroad. So there’s a chance that it’s because of the distance that he likes me.

He is a great guy. I just don’t see myself dating him. It used to be that he just seemed really immature. Well, I’ve gotten to know him a bit more and now I just don’t see us lasting. It’s a mixture of him still having two years of undergrad left and he’s almost 100% going straight into grad school while I have one semester of undergrad left, plans to apply to the Peace Corps, and we live on opposite sides of the state. Also in that mixture is my gut feeling that it wouldn’t last. There’s also something missing… something I can’t put my finger on. In addition to all this is my terror of getting into a relationship atm. I don’t want to give someone all of myself. One of the many reasons Kraig and I didn’t work out is because I didn’t put my whole self into our relationship. When we broke up, all my walls snapped instantly back into place, and I think in some places they’re stronger than they used to be while in other places they’re weaker than they used to be. The weaker parts mean I’m actually letting my friends in on things more than I used to. The stronger parts mean that I’m not letting anyone new into the details of my life.

Lyn asked me how I feel when I talked to him, Fran suggested that I just see how things go. I’m trying to be open-minded with him. I told him why I’m extremely hesitant and asked if we could continue the conversation some other time. In the mean time we’re going to continue as we are and get to know each other better.

I guess one way he reminds me of Kraig are some of his comebacks. I lapse into the pattern I had with Kraig and that feels wrong and right at the same time. Wrong because it was Kraig and I’s thing, I shouldn’t be using it with another. Wrong also because of the worry that I’m trying to replace Kraig. Right because I miss Kraig and the patterns remind me of him.

Another way is some of his interests like video games. Ryan is obsessed with different games than Kraig but they have played some of the same games. Like Ryan’s obsession is Skyrim while Kraig’s is World of Warcraft. But I know about Skyrim through Kraig. I draw on my memories with Kraig in order to talk about Skyrim with Ryan. Same with the Steam platform in general. It’s kind of uncomfortable to draw on my memories of Kraig to talk to Ryan sometimes. It feels like a betrayal to both of them. Ryan because I’m thinking of and missing the happy times with another guy. Kraig because I’m using my memories of him to talk to and make another guy happy.

Ryan is kind of like what Kraig would be if he wasn’t so withdrawn. Kraig had his fun side but also his serious side. Ryan is almost always fun. When he’s serious, he’s more contemplative than somber, like Kraig was. I had problems with Kraig’s somberness and serious side. I wonder if I attached myself to Ryan because he’s a version of Kraig that I wanted Kraig to be. I’m worried that I’m looking for a “better” version of Kraig. The quotation marks are on purpose because Kraig is a fantastic guy and I’m not saying that he couldn’t or shouldn’t change, but I don’t think that he needs to become another person altogether. I also don’t think that people are better than others. I may not like someone, but they are the moon and stars to someone else.

There aren’t really any other concrete similarities between the two. Sometimes Ryan will say or do something and I’ll just get this jolt in my stomach because he reminds me of Kraig and I wonder what the hell I’m doing.

 

Something

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Reasons To Be Missed by NanoMortis on DeviantArt

He once asked me if we had a song. Now at this point I thought we already had one and I was kind of surprised he asked me. I thought it was obvious. In my mind it was “Something” the Beatles song but the cover by Jim Sturgess from the movie Across the Universe (2007). I asked him to sing it to me all the time. I made up a bullshit answer using Taylor Swift’s “Our Song.” Well, not entirely bullshit. I didn’t really feel like we needed one, but if we had one, “Something” was it. Like not “Our Song” as our song but the message in it. For us it would have been the sound when I get him to giggle, his squee when he’s excited, when he could get me to belly laugh without restraint, our comfortable silences, singing over the phone or in person, the opening credits of a movie, the pad of his feet across the floor, the squeak of his computer chair, the jangle of his keys, the groaning of my ancient bed, tripping over something randomly strewn across the floor of my room. I liked the looks we exchanged as well as the sounds that identified us to each other. We used to be able to read each other’s expressions, but somewhere along the way we lost that.

I don’t even know where all this is coming from. All I know is that I have been missing him more and more these past few weeks. At Easter I realized he should have been with my family at church and at Easter lunch and that sent a lurch through my stomach. I keep having moments where I think “Kraig should be here.” And he isn’t here.

Today. Today I should have been graduating from undergrad. But I still have one more semester thanks to my procrastinating and other screw ups. I should have been graduating and he should have been there with me, helping me get ready, watching in the audience. Hugging me tightly, with such a proud and ecstatic smile on his face. But I wasn’t among the students in their caps and gowns, and he wasn’t here.

What the hell am I doing?

We had so many problems. Yet, all I can remember is the good times. I want to move on. Or don’t I? I don’t want to start anything with someone new. I don’t want to let someone else in. Have them get through all my walls. But, I don’t want to try to work things out with him either. I think about it and I just want to run away. It will be hard work. There will be crying, and yelling, and misunderstandings as we both try to understand, to explain. He’s willing to compromise I think. I don’t want to. That means changing. And changing is scary and difficult for me because it means working at something as a long term goal rather than a short term goal. I’m a fucking coward and a sloth. I don’t mind doing things that challenge me physically and somewhat mentally. I like showing off my intelligence. But it’s another thing to improve morally, personality… to become a better person. I avoid it because it’s hard and it’s so much easier to just brush people off rather than to try and then disappoint them when I give up because things get hard.

I have bouts when I’m dead set on doing better, on taking steps to improve myself. And then I let something step in the way. First obstacle and I’m like, I’ve got an excuse to stop! Fuck it all. Fuck me. Fuck.

I talked to him the other day. A week ago Friday. I was picking my brother up from his university so we could switch out vehicles and he would have a car for his job reffing soccer games in the area around my university. Alivia and I were on our way to see our friend Hope at her college on the other side of the state. It’s a boring three-hour drive. Anyway, mom knew Alivia and mine’s plans so she asked me to drop my car off for my brother on the way there. This worked out since I got out of class earlier than Alivia. She and I would meet at my brother’s campus and then continue the drive from there in her car. Well, for once in my life I arrive an hour early. I’m serious. I don’t think I’ve ever been an hour early to anything in my life. Well, before I tell my brother that I’ve arrived, I text Kraig. See what he’s up to. Kraig and my bro go to the same university btw. I knew it was a long shot texting him, I expected a terse answer back. But, he just said that he was at his internship on Fridays. After that, we actually had a pretty decent and fun conversation! I did mess up thinking that he wouldn’t have squeed aloud when he received a call for a job interview, but he did. Luckily the person on the phone didn’t notice. But I messed up. When he’s really excited he cannot hold a squee back. But, the conversation came to an end. He decided to not text back. I don’t really want to become one of those ex’s that is like “I miss you.” Though I do miss him.

I really don’t know what to do. I don’t think I’m ready to get into a relationship at all right now. But, I miss him. I would like to be friends with him, but he told me when we broke up that he didn’t think that was possible on his side. I’m too used to being in a relationship with him. I would go back to old habits, even if I was only comfortable with being friends atm. When I’m uncertain of what to do, I follow old patterns. Which has lead to some mistakes, let me tell you.

I keep meaning to end this post, but I keep typing. My thoughts are just going to keep going in circles. I know what I want to do, talk to him. But my reason keeps telling me it’s a bad idea. Plus, Alivia would kill me I feel like. She and the other girls only ever really heard the negative from me about him. Because I never felt like they were receptive when I wanted to gush about him. Yet they would shut up and let me vent whenever I needed to. So they only heard the bad. I hate this.

I want to text him, call him, meet up with him. Yet, I keep telling myself it’s probably a bad idea. Plus, why now? After I was the one who told him I didn’t want to text or call. Well, I needed space. I needed the distance so that I could get over him. Well, I got it. I healed. I grew. But I miss him now.

I don’t want to text him now or anytime soon. He has exams next week and I don’t want to distract him. But if I keep putting it off, I’ll never talk to him…. I would love to text him tomorrow to see if we can meet up when I drive up to help my brother move his stuff home. But I really don’t want to distract him this whole week with the thought of seeing me. That’s pretty damn arrogant of me. I know him. I know he could set me aside so he can study. I just don’t want to risk it. I dislike risks. I should just text him tomorrow and ask about when his internship ends, how the interview went, when his exams are done. Can I see him? I should just do it. This need to see how he’s doing just won’t go away. This need to see him just won’t go away.

Lil better, lil worse

I finally opened up a bit to Alivia tonight. I’ve been holding things back because I wasn’t sure she cared and I didn’t want to open myself more to protect myself. Well, I opened up and she does care. I only told her a little bit, but enough that I feel like I can begin to share more. I don’t want to give her everything yet just in case, but I can do it little by little.

I’ve been texting Kraig. Just stuff like “Happy Thanksgiving,” “Merry Christmas,” and “Happy New Year.” But he texted me more today, asking why I’ve been texting him. I wish he’d just said that, not also wondering if something was wrong. I want to be truthful to him, so I told him things had gone to shut since I broke up with him and that I was texting him bc I was being selfish and feeling lonely. And honestly, I thought not talking to him altogether would hurt him more than at least texting him on the holidays. Then he said that he wasn’t sure if it was possible for him to hurt any more. Then he offered to help me. Said that I knew he would always help me. I told him I did know that but that’s why I didn’t. I kinda evaded it, implying that I didn’t bc I thought asking for help and talking to him while he gave me help would hurt him. He offered again, that he wants to help. I asked if I could talk to him tomorrow, that I was confused now.

I really do want his help. He’s good at solving problems. I miss his ability to help me think things through and brain storm, plan. I really want him to fix my problems for me. That’s what I want, for my depression, my loneliness, my school, family, friend problems to be solved.

He can’t solve them for me though. That’s something I have to do for myself.

So I’m trying to think this through. I thought writing out this post would help organize my thoughts, but it hasn’t really. I’m still confused.

I desperately want to have Kraig as my friend. But as long as he still loves me I’m not sure it’s possible without one or both of us getting hurt again. So I should decline his help. But I want it if only as an excuse to talk to him and maybe become his friend. That’s not fair to him. I’m so selfish.

I should be selfish while I’m trying to become healthy. But I can’t really bear the thought that I might hurt him again. It might make moving on harder for me as well. I just tried imagining asking if I could please be selfish and meet with him. I saw myself sitting in front of him, our foreheads pressed together, me wanting so much to make things work, almost enough to shove my logic out the window. Right now things will not work out. I feel like a former smoker who stopped cold turkey.

It’s not smart at all but I want to see him. It will just set me back on my road to recovery. But I want to see him. I’m starting to cry right now, the screen is kind of blurry.

I’m just…. I don’t know. I’m going to sleep. I know I’m putting off thinking about this, but I just want the oblivion of sleep right now.

This Dark Hole I’m In

I’m having trouble with this. The whole point of breaking up with him was to find myself, to push myself, achieve my dreams, to not feel like I was being held back. All I’ve found though is a dark hole that I feel like I can’t get out of. I can see the light, but it’s more like a teasing light. I have hope, but no way achieve it. I feel like I can get my head and shoulders above the rim of the whole, but I’m still stuck from the waist down. No pushing or pulling myself out works.

I thought my emo phase during middle school was bad. Fuck, it was bad. Moving schools, starting over with new people… no wonder I started cutting back then. I haven’t fucking cut myself in 5 years! And then I cut myself a month ago. I haven’t cut again, but I’ve used my own nails to harm myself plenty of times. I remember in sixth grade I kept a rubber band around one wrist to punish myself with. I stopped doing that when I noticed how bad my wrist was getting.

What I am doing with my life? I don’t have a close confident. I don’t want to tell my supposedly best friend what’s going through my head because every time I try bringing it up to her, she dismisses it. Like I got through it, you can too. I felt more connection with Nat because I may not have exactly the same problems and situation as her, but at least she doesn’t dismiss me. We promised we’d work through it together.

I just feel like I’m going to explode. I was screaming in my head all through work today. I thought about going into one of the walk-in coolers and actually screaming, but that just sounded embarrassing. That’s why I don’t do all those exercises in which they tell you to hit a pillow or scream out loud. It just seems like there’s no point, and it’s embarrassing. Why scream if no one can hear you? The point of screaming is to call for help. Why punch something other than who or what you actually want to punch? Where’s the satisfaction? The lack of satisfaction makes it worse.

I just want to feel like someone cares, even if it’s just temporarily. I want to have sex with G or R because at least they are both my friends and they’ve already shown they care about me, that having sex with them can be fun, satisfying, and keep away the loneliness. I just need to be cared for.

My boss is worried about me tonight. And he’s trying to make me laugh and smile. It feels like relief that someone is trying, that someone notices.

I don’t want to go home yet. I know my roommates are probably home but I’m afraid of what thoughts will go through my head on the way home. It’s a decent walk. I don’t want to deal with El, or Ana, or Lea. Sometimes they’re good with my boundaries, sometimes they’re not.

Why do I want to hide things from them? I don’t really get it. I’ve lived with Ana and Lea for a year and half now, El for two and a half. It’s not even that I’m testing them to see if they notice if I’m okay or not, like I do with some people. I don’t want them to know. It almost hurts to get hugs from El sometimes. I guess it’s almost like I feel as if I’ll contaminate her if she touches me. The other two not so much, but sometimes.

I just want to get out of this hold. I want to stand on my own two feet, my spine straight and strong. I want to feel pride in myself again. Because I don’t feel anything but contempt and terror right now.